Thursday, 24 January 2013

My Life Right Now

I have been awake for hours... why? I haven't been able to sleep well. I have so much on my mind... my mind just keeps wondering. I went to bed at a fairly decent time... I think around 11 PM or so, and I ended up waking up around 2:30 AM. I haven't been myself for quite some time now, and for those regular readers of my blog... you probably noticed that I haven't been writing anything personal. I started this blog to keep a health diary and writing my thoughts, feelings, and keep track of my daily mood. If I was stressed, I used to vent and release what was bothering me... I guess in a way a form of therapy to help release everything.

When I first started this blog, I didn't have many followers. It was created mainly for myself, and those that suffer from the same health issues that I've been going through. Since then, I've increased many followers and have quite a number of regular readers. I'm happy to hear from people that I've inspired them in some way, or helped along their own health journey. But, along the way... I have somewhat lost myself. What do you do when family and friends read your work? I'm honored .. but now what? How can I fully express myself? I feel like part of me has been taken... I can't fully open up. I've been going through so many MAJOR stressors the last little while, and I don't know how to handle it.


I've somewhat opened up about being depressed again, suffering from panic attacks, and my agoraphobia is at an all time high once again. Yes, I'm in therapy at the moment. Yes, I do enjoy it. Do I think that it's helping? Partially. I'm still a prisoner to my apartment... my agoraphobia has gotten the best of me. Most days I can't even do a simple task like taking the garbage down. People ask if I'm working... how I'm feeling, etc., and I have run out of excuses of what to say.

Since I'm battling this illness, I'm not able to work. Many people just say "snap out of it"... well I wish I could. Not even my husband fully understands the extent of my illness, and at times thinks I'm just lazy. I'm not lazy... I'm ill. Having a major breakdown and feeling suicidal isn't meant to be taken lightly, but at least I realized I needed help.

I'm still battling the insurance company, as I've had no income since March 2012. The line of credit is now completely maxed out, and it's almost at the point of not being able to pay rent, bills, and being able to eat. I can't really talk about the insurance/money situation any further, as a case is pending and I don't want it to affect the outcome.

I'm also stressed regarding the health of someone very dear to me. Once again I don't want to get into details, as she sometimes reads this blog. All I know is that I'd be lost without her... and I love her very much. If something happens to her, I don't know what mental state I'd be in... I pray everything will be okay.

What else to say... I have many things floating around in my mind, but I don't want to bore you further with my shit. I will be focusing this blog more on health, fitness, and keep the reviews to a minimum. Yes I know we all love product reviews and giveaways, but with my mental state it's very hard at the moment. Pray that I get better soon, and bless all of you who have me and my family in your prayers.

1 comment:

  1. I'm very sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time right now!

    I can understand now wanting to use your blog as a venting platform when it becomes not so anonymous anymore.. Maybe try writing down your thoughts if it will help to just get it off your chest?

    I'll keep you in my prayers!

    Feel better soon!

    ReplyDelete

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