Tonight I'm at my mom's place, as I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow. I'm finally seeing the doctor that runs the eating disorder groups at the hospital where I've been going to therapy. I'm terrified, and excited at the same time. I know I have a major eating disorder, but embarrassed at the same time... because you wouldn't normally think I have one. It's not like you would look at me and think, wow... she's too skinny... she might have an eating disorder. A couple years ago you would of looked at me and think wow... she's obese and unhealthy. Now you would look at me and think... oh, she's normal or a little chubby.
I find my eating disorder is at it's worst when I'm really depressed, having regular panic attacks, and lacking sleep. That's pretty much my life the last little while... depression is still present and taking over my life. I find myself lacking motivation to eat, and I go without eating all day... until I'm ready to pass out. Then I binge and eat poor choices, even though it's only a small portion due to the gastric bypass. Then once I realize what I've done... I feel guilty and sick, and force myself to drink extra water to help flush it out. Rule after gastric bypass... no drinking 30 minutes before or after eating, as it flushes it through your stomach and intestines too fast. When that happens, you end up having dumping syndrome... resulting in pain, loss of food, and most importantly... loss of nutrients of what was just eaten. My hair is thinning still, and falling out. I don't have nearly the amount of hair I used to. I know I'm sick... I know I have a problem... many problems. Hopefully I will feel better soon.