I've been away from blogging for quite some time now. I was having issues with my computer... it finally crapped out on me. But prior to that I've been going through some stressful stuff. When I first started writing this blog, it was for therapeutic purposes, to help me deal with the stress that was going on in my life. I miss doing that, as I haven't completely opened up on here for a long time.
I've been feeling quite confused and alone, and really not that many people in my circle of friends and family can fully understand what I'm going through. My anxiety is at an all time high, but amazingly enough I've been able to somewhat manage it without feeling like I'm going crazy. Don't get me wrong, many times I felt like I was losing my shit, and needed to visit my psychiatrist more often then my usual monthly appointment.
What's contributing to my stress? The culture shock of my in-laws... my lack of ability to be there at their family functions. Just thinking about it makes me anxious, and neither him or his family could ever understand my mental illness. I guess part of the problem I created myself... if I had of married someone of the same religion and culture, maybe I wouldn't be having these issues. The crappy part about that though, is I'm mostly attracted to brown men... hence the title of my blog "A Spicy Boy, A Cat, and My Fat Ass". There's never a shortage of drama in my life the last little while, and it's taking a toll on me and my health.
Another thing that is breaking my heart, is that a dear friend of mine has cancer of the lymph-nodes. She said that her doctor said out of all the cancers to have, that it's the best one. I dunno... I'm fuckin panicking. With cancer being in her immediate family, it scares me to think of losing her before we're both grey and old. She has to go for surgery after the holidays, as well as a treatment of radiation. And on top of that her dad has heart trouble and has had surgery around the same time as my mom. By the way, my mom is doing quite well since her double bypass surgery. Mom doing better is at least one thing that I can finally breathe about.
Everything that's going on has gotten to the point that it's affecting my work. I can't concentrate, I'm extra emotional, and I'm having yet another hard time managing a regular life. Don't let my smile fool you... I feel broken half of the time.